I just called the cops on a guy who drove a van up to my garage, jumped out, took a picture of it, hurriedly jumped back into his van, and drove away with the tires screeching. With full certainty that the motherfucker was casing our house to burglarize it (as Rashida Tlaib might put it), I grabbed my phone and got a picture of the van driving away, doing my best to memorize what I could about it. I told the police dispatcher that the guy was taking a picture of the keypad to my garage. The cops put out an APB on the guy, and sent an officer to our house.
Before the officer got here, I launched my own investigation. Findings: turns out that my “burglar” was just a package delivery guy leaving another one of my wife’s endless Anthropologie packages in front of our garage, and taking a picture of it to prove that he left it there. Upon forensic inspection of our garage door, it belatedly occurred to me that our garage does not in fact have a keypad, and never has. Our neighbor’s door does: I confabulated a keypad and gave us one in order to make sense of the guy’s taking a picture. Theory-laden observation and motivated reasoning at its finest.
Basically, I almost got someone arrested for nothing. This after getting arrested for nothing myself, and exploiting it a full year for outrage value. And all this from a guy who teaches criminal procedure, to boot.
In other words, I’m an asshole. If the delivery guy was black, I’m a racist. If someone had caught the whole episode on film, it’d be a viral video by now, alongside Barbecue Becky and all the other panic-button busy bodies in the country.
I haven’t even had lunch yet.