I’ve just received three letters in the mail that prove that in the end, truth and justice do triumph, and dreams do come true. These letters restore to me, through the beneficence of The State, two of the dearest objects of my heart’s desire–justice and a wife! They’re from the Essex County Prosecutor’s Office. The three letters are all identical to one another; their having been sent to me in triplicate is, I suppose, symbolic of the bounty and riches of my new estate. I’m blessed thricefold.
From the letter dated April 28, 2016:
OFFICE OF THE ESSEX COUNTY PROSECUTOR
CAROLYN A. MURRAY
ACTING ESSEX COUNTY PROSECUTOR
ESSEX COUNTY VETERANS COURTHOUSE, NEWARK, NEW JERSEY 07102
Dear Mrs. Ifran Khawaja:
We are aware that you have been a victim or or a witness to a crime. The Essex County Prosecutor’s Office of Victim-Witness Advocacy provides services and offers assistance to those victimized in Essex County.
Some of the services we offer include:
- Direct referrals to social service agencies and counseling programs
- Information on case status and disposition of charges
- Information on the criminal justice system
- Assistance with the prompt return of your property
- Assistance with filing for medical and counseling compensation through the Victims of Crime Compensation Office
If I can be of any assistance to you, or provide you with additional information, please do not hesitate to contact me at….Our services are offered to you free of charge. I have enclosed a program brochure and a Victim Impact Statement. If you choose to submit a statement, please complete and return the enclosed form within 10 days of receipt of this letter.
You will be receiving a letter to contact an investigator assigned to one of our pre-Grand Jury units in the near future. Your timely response to this request will be greatly appreciated.
Shaheid Williams, Victim-Witness Advocate
Office of Victim-Witness Advocacy
This is apropos of the crime I’ve previously described here (described here as well). Oddly, two different defendants are named in the letters I got. I’m not sure whether that’s a clerical error, or a reference to the other criminal who tried to break into my apartment a few years ago. I’m going to have to give Shaheid a call. (As it happens, “shaheid” is Arabic for “martyr.”)
I didn’t get an “enclosed program brochure,” but I do intend to go to town on the Victim Impact Statement, having been deprived, by brute force, of a 100% Natural Talalay Latex Zoned Pillow essential to my cranial well-being (and my productivity as an educator), and valued at $79.99 before shipping and handling.
Though I’m ecstatic to be receiving a free wife at taxpayer expense, I was a little irritated that Shaheid addressed the letter to her instead of me (I mean, I’m the victim), and was crestfallen to discover that they hadn’t enclosed a photo of my new bride-to-be, Ifran. But one can’t look a gift horse in the mouth. I’m sure she’ll be great. Such a relief to be able to skip all that dating etc. that I’m so terrible at, and bask in the security of a state-sponsored marriage. I deserve no less (and arguably no more).
Incidentally, I happen to know that PoT’s very own David Potts was recently the victim of a crime–a trendy crime, no less: his car was broken into in or around Oakland, California. It’ll be interesting to see whether Alameda County is at all competitive with Essex County for victims’ advocacy. I will be jealous if they send him a picture of his new wife, Mrs. Advid Potts.
Anyway, I don’t know about David, but so far, I’m really enjoying my victimization. I just hope they don’t leave my new wife on the porch when they deliver her.
Albert Jay Nock, eat your state-hating heart out.