Hi Mr. Khawaja, this is Lieutenant Spatola from the Detective Bureau at Bloomfield Police Department. We wanted to advise you that we did make an arrest on the package theft you recently reported. The individual in question has confessed to about eight other thefts in the neighborhood. If you need any documentation or reports, you can just stop in at our headquarters. Thank you.
I initially thought it was an exercise in futility to report the theft, on the grounds that I couldn’t imagine their ever catching the thief. But I did the citizenly thing and reported it anyway. I’m glad I did. After thinking about it a bit, I eventually figured out how they caught the guy, but since I don’t want to reveal sources and methods, my lips are sealed, except to say: Elementary, my dear Watson.
Whatever criticisms I’ve ever made of “the police,” I’m glad to have a police department like this on my side. One always hears the mantra that public officials are lazy and worthless because they’re unresponsive to market forces, whereas private entrepreneurs are maximally responsive, because they operate within the market. But the truth is that if my landlord were half as efficient or responsive as the Bloomfield Police Department, I’d be living in paradise–but he isn’t, so I’m not. In fact, I have the Bloomfield Police Department to thank for the modicum of order I do enjoy and rely on. So thanks, guys, and keep it up.
PS., March 1, 2019: I’m happy to report that Mr. Spatola has been promoted from Lieutenant to Captain. Congratulations definitely in order.