His Deeds On His Head

Fifty or sixty years from now, this is how they’ll be rehabilitating the reputations of the assholes running our current genocide in Gaza. Oh, the private doubts they had! The anguish they suffered! Poor, poor things! Judge not, lest it be discovered that you figured out on Day 1 what these “experts” were too cowardly to admit or act on for the duration.

The “war hawk who wasn’t,” except that he was.

One thought on “His Deeds On His Head

  1. From The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy (meaning the original radioplay scripts, the most canonical form of the story, mostly):

    SHOOTY (Young American cop type, shouts from distance) OK Beeblebrox, hold it right there. We’ve got you covered.
    ZAPHOD You want to try a guess at all, Ford?
    FORD OK this way.
    BANG BANG (Cop, similar) We don’t want to shoot you, Beeblebrox.
    ZAPHOD Suits me fine.
    TRILLIAN We’re cornered.
    ZAPHOD Hell, I’ve dropped my adrenalin pills. All right, behind this computer bank, get down.
    F/X EXTREMELY VICIOUS SOUNDING ZAP GUN, DISCHARGES ACROSS THE STEREO IMAGE (ALL RIGHT, IT FIRES)
    ARTHUR Hey, they’re shooting at us.
    ZAPHOD Yeah.
    ARTHUR I thought they said they didn’t want to do that.
    TRILLIAN Yeah, I thought they said that.
    ZAPHOD (Shouting) Hey, I thought you said you didn’t want to shoot us!
    SHOOTY (Shouting) It isn’t easy being a cop!
    FORD What did he say?
    ZAPHOD He said it isn’t easy being a cop.
    FORD Well surely that’s his problem, isn’t it?
    ZAPHOD I’d have thought so.
    FORD (Shouting) Hey listen, I think we’ve got enough problems of our own with you shooting at us, so if you could avoid laying your problems on us as well I think we’d probably find it easier to cope!
    BANG BANG (Shouting) Now see here, buddy, you’re not dealing with any dumb two bit trigger pumping morons with low hair lines, little piggy eyes and no conversation, we’re a couple of intelligent caring guys who you’d probably quite like if you met us socially.
    SHOOTY That’s right, I’m really sensitive.
    BANG BANG I don’t go around gratuitously shooting people and then bragging about it in seedy space rangers’ bars. I go around gratuitously shooting people and then agonise about it afterwards to my girlfriend.
    SHOOTY And I write novels!
    BANG BANG Yeah, he writes them in crayon.
    SHOOTY Though I haven’t had any of them published yet, so I’d better warn you I’m in a meeeeen mood.
    FORD Who are these guys?
    ZAPHOD I think I preferred it when they were shooting.
    BANG BANG (Shouting) So are you going to come quietly or are you going to let us blast you out?
    FORD (Shouting) Which would you rather?
    F/X FUSILLADE OF VICIOUS ELECTRIC GUNFIRE WHICH CARRIES ON FOR A WHILE
    (Pause as the echoes die away)
    BANG BANG (Shouting) You still there?
    ZAPHOD/FORD/ARTHUR/TRILLIAN Yes
    SHOOTY (Shouting) We didn’t enjoy doing that at all!
    FORD (Shouting) We could tell! (Aside) Zaphod, have you any ideas on how
    we’re going to deal with these loonies?
    BANG BANG (Shouting) Now listen to this, Beeblebrox, and you’d better listen good.
    ZAPHOD Why?
    BANG BANG Because it’s going to be very intelligent, and quite interesting and humane.
    ZAPHOD O.K. Fire away . . . No, I mean . . .
    F/X ANOTHER FUSILLADE OF SHOTS
    SHOOTY Sorry, misunderstanding there.
    FORD Nice one, Zaphod.
    BANG BANG Beeblebrox, either you all give yourselves up now and let us beat you up a bit, though not very much of course because we are firmly opposed to needless violence, or we blow up this entire planet and possibly one or two others we noticed on our way here.
    TRILLIAN (Suddenly getting seriously upset about it) But that’s crazy. You wouldn’t blow up this entire planet just to get a bloody spaceship back!
    BANG BANG Yes we would. I think we would, wouldn’t we?
    SHOOTY Oh yes, we’d have to, no question.
    TRILLIAN But Why?
    SHOOTY Tell her!
    BANG BANG (Shouting) Because there are some things you’ve got to do even if you are
    an enlightened liberal cop who knows all about sensitivity and everything.
    ZAPHOD I just don’t believe these guys.
    SHOOTY Shall we shoot them again for a bit?
    BANG BANG Yeah, why not?
    F/X ANOTHER FUSILLADE OF VICIOUS ELECTRIC ZAPPING.

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